


Long Walks and Short Nights

by Acexual_Attorney



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: ((not in the traditional way tho ya feel)), Angst, Other, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Wtf is a "projecting"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 19:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7769578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acexual_Attorney/pseuds/Acexual_Attorney
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Minghao likes to go out at night to get away from himself.</p><p>(He hates how he loves the pain).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Long Walks and Short Nights

**Author's Note:**

  * For [chickencrust](https://archiveofourown.org/users/chickencrust/gifts).



> I fucking told u i do it this is ur fault chickencrust ur the one to blame
> 
> 10/17/16 EDIT: i edited thhis a little bit because i wasn't really satisfied with it. not a lot changed, but more detail was added for a better affect

Minghao wouldn't really consider himself an athletic person. Usually, his work out plan just involved dance practice, and since that was tiring enough, he let it just be that, but at some time in his idol career, he found himself taking long walks at night.

It was peaceful, and Minghao liked that. It made him feel melancholic, and, despite the air being clearer than the air in China, it made his throat burn. He usually wore a mask, but that was partially because he didn't want to be recognized by a fan and partly because he didn't want anyone seeing the red splotches that were starting to appear around his chin. It was his fault, really, for picking at the skin so much that even the makeup noonas asked if he was having an allergic reaction to the products they were applying. Even if he was, he wouldn't tell them.

The cool breeze was a welcome change to the stuffy atmosphere of the dorm, and being alone lets him mull over his thoughts. He thinks he can pinpoint the walks to some point after Pretty U promotions and before the announcement for their repackage album.

The first time he went out was after Wonwoo found him throwing away his food. Wonwoo scolded him, telling him that he was skinny enough and he didn't need to loose any more weight.

Even though it wasn't about the weight, it was more of the fact that Minghao just wasn't hungry any more. Or, at least, he thought he wasn't. He also took joy in the way his stomach felt like it was eating itself, in the way the back if his mouth ached. He liked the way it made him feel.

And despite Wonwoo being completely wrong in his accusations, Minghao was still upset. He wasn't sure what he was upset over. Maybe it was Wonwoo lecturing him or maybe it was Wonwoo caring enough to actually be worried about him. Either way, neither of them brought it up at the nightly talk; all Wonwoo did was look at him sadly when it was his turn and instead talked about whoever was using up all the shampoo.

That night, Minghao couldn't sleep. He could've gone to Junhui or Jeonghan or Soonyoung or any of his hyungs to see if they could help him, but instead he quietly got out of bed and got dressed in the bathroom. Everyone was dead asleep when he left, and they were still unconscious when he got back two hours later at three am.

If anyone saw the purple circles under his eyes or heard the slur in his words, they didn't say anything.

The next time he went out was because Seungkwan saw the scratches and scars on his sides and stomach when they were undressing to get into the shower together. Seungkwan had asked if he was okay, if he had a rash and needed ointment. Minghao said no, he was fine, maybe he was just having a bad reaction to the new soap they bought.

Seungkwan didn't believe him. He could tell by the way Seungkwan's eyebrows turned up and his mouth turned down, by the way he quietly said "okay" and looked away to take off his pants.

They got into the shower, and Minghao didn't realize he was scratching his sides until Seungkwan touched his hand. Blood was rushing down the drain and Minghao reveled in the sting that spread through his abdomen.

"Hyung, are you sure you're okay?" Seungkwan had asked, curling both hands around Minghao's. There was blood and skin under his nails and Minghao wondered how Seungkwan could stomach to touch something as disgusting as him.

"I don't wanna talk about it," Minghao had replied, taking his hand away from Seungkwan so he could wash the grime off of it. Seungkwan lingered a bit longer before nodding and leaving it be. He didn't bring it back up.

When everyone else was asleep and he could hear soft snores throughout the whole dorm, Minghao slipped on his shoes and went out again. The nighttime in Korea was safe enough that he didn't bring his phone.  Even if it wasn’t safe, even if they lived in a dangerous part of town where the sirens didn’t stop, he wouldn’t have brought his phone anyways

The third time Minghao found himself going out for any particularly good reason was when Seungcheol asked him about why he dug things into his skin. Why he would press his nails deep enough into his arm to leave marks or why he stabbed himself with his unused chopstick until skin broke.

Minghao shrugged, saying it was a nervous habit he hasn't been able to break. Minghao knew that Seongcheol knew it was a lie, but all Seungcheol did was nod with a frown. They never talked about it, but every time Seungcheol sat next to Minghao, he would hold the younger's hand so he couldn't do anything.

Minghao appreciated the thought, but not the action.

He went for a walk again, letting himself wonder through the streets of Gangnam, looking at the faces of foreigners illuminated by bright neon lights. Then again, he guesses he was considered a foreigner in Korea's eyes with his thick accent and thin face. He'll always be an "other". Minghao wonders if Junhui or Jisoo or Hansol feel the same. Probably not.

After that, his nights out became more frequent for things that didn't matter a lot. He took off one night after Junhui called him cute and just the thought of the word made Minghao's mouth turn acidic and he wanted to throw up bile just to get the taste off his tongue.

Soonyoung asked why Minghao wasn't as affectionate anymore and Minghao spent two hours trying to find his way back to their dorm after a three hour walk of not paying attention to where he was going. Part of him wanted to get lost, for everyone to get worried and panic just because he was gone, hopefully for forever.

This time, he left at two in the morning because Hansol asked him why he suffocated himself with his pillows so much, why he stayed under water longer than necessary, and why he choked himself on the seatbelt when they took long car rides. Minghao had just said he didn't realize he was doing it. Hansol believed him.

It had been a bit more difficult to sneak out this time because everyone had fallen asleep in the living room again. Minghao had to silently untangle himself from Chan and Seokmin and step over Mingyu and Jihoon so that he wouldn't wake anyone up. He was able to leave, though, and slip out the door without anyone noticing.

The sun was starting to rise when Minghao headed back to the dorm. His couldn't feel his lower body, only the tremors that shot up his leg every time he stepped too hard on the concrete. His lungs stopped working a long time ago and the air was chilling the inside of his throat, making it dry out in a way that was borderline painful.

Instead of being met with the usual silence of the dorm that he was used to coming back to at five in the morning, a slightly upset voice asked, "Where the _fuck_ have you been."

Seungcheol and Jeonghan and Jisoo were all sitting at the table in the kitchen. Seungcheol looked tired and still half asleep, Jeonghan was slouching in his chair and fuming, and Jisoo had his head in his hands. It looked like his cheeks were wet, but Minghao's vision was starting to blur and he couldn't really tell since the artificial lights were hurting his eyes compared to the soft grays from outside.

"We were worried _sick_ about you." Jeonghan stood up so he could look Minghao in the eyes. His eyes were shiny and his hands were shaking and Minghao hoped Jeonghan would punch him.

"You didn't even bring your phone. What if something happened to you? How would we know?" Jisoo's voice was strained and he refused to look up from the table. Minghao wanted Jisoo to yell at him, for the older to scream about how irresponsible he was, not for him to break as he spoke.

"I-" Minghao couldn't talk. He couldn't think of a real response outside of 'I'm sorry' and he didn't want to lie to them, not now.

Seungcheol stood up, too, walking over to Minghao so he could put his hand on his shoulder. Seungcheol looked like he wanted to hug Minghao, but he didn't and Minghao didn't know if he should feel relieved or disappointed.

"You can't keep doing this, Minghao-ya," Seungcheol sounded like he just got done crying, his voice raw and gruff. His eyes were red and cheeks pink.

"I don't-"

Minghao wasn’t a crier. He bottled up his tears and stored them away so he could let them out in other ways. He would pull at his own hair and bite his nails until they bled and that was as good as crying in his book. Instead of letting himself be comforted, he was the comforter. It wasn’t healthy, he knew that, but it helped to feel needed sometimes.

He wasn't a crier, but he could feel hot tears rolling down his cheeks and being soaked into the face mask he was wearing. He had to sniff to keep the snot from dripping out of his nose an he was disgusted with himself.

Seungcheol pulled Minghao in close, wrapping his arms around the younger and rubbing his back. Two more pairs of arms joined in hugging him. A hand started threading through his hair and another was running up and down his arm.

The hug was nice and warm and it made Minghao cry harder. He didn't deserve to be comforted, not after causing his hyungs grief, but he also didn't want to pull away.

He wanted to be suffocated in their worry until he couldn't breathe. He wanted to be doted on, told he mattered. He wanted all of the members to drown him in hate and anger until he was going to explode and then bring him back down with cool words and soft affection.

He wanted their love, but he didn't want to get better.

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me how bad and rushed this is at [my writing blog](https://www.polybooseoksoon.tumblr.com)


End file.
